Monday, September 21, 2009

taking captive every thought. help!?

totally eating some break apart cookies right now. taking full advantage of the fact that there is no need to make anything decent at the moment! it's so funny to be me sometimes... i absolutely LOVE cooking. and i have been... every night, even when we come in the door at 6 - i have some sort of meal plan. but i have discovered that if it weren't for Greg, i would totally be a vegetarian and i wouldn't bake at all!

now a completely different thought. i hesitate to share thoughts like this because they sound ridiculous but i know those of you who read care, and i need some wise counsel, i think!
so : i am a creature of worry. i like to blame it on family members like my dear Grandmom who wouldn't let dad ever be a boyscout or would never fly on an airplane because "what if?" but the fact of the matter is that i am just a big worry wart. it's disgusting, thus the name. and no one's fault but mine. it's become a pretty big problem, though. i have realized that i spend more time with Gregory or anyone i love, thinking about/dreading the times i won't have them and hardly ever just relax into the moment.

a pretty sorry way to live life.

i am reminded of my purpose often but usually forget it, probably just to fuel my own worry which is now just a habit. how do i break it? i realize that in order to live a full life, i need to give this up and accept the fact that each moment is precious. i have been thinking about the yale murder alot this week - it makes me so sick, i can't handle it. but i think about death alot, even without turning the news on. death is familiar to me. i have known so many dear ones who have passed on, sometimes way before their time, and sometimes i have been in the same room at the time of their passing. what do you do with something like that? live life as if it is going to be over at any second? i desperately want to find the balance between cherishing every moment and dreading when it is over. instead of me, for instance today - soaking up a walk to class and the warm, fresh air for a moment only to be interrupted with the thought that something bad could happen so i shouldn't enjoy anything too much!?! this is ridiculous. i need help!!

thoughts welcome :)

back to art projects. tonight's work : mounting the kiss by klimt. it ties in some pretty colors to our bedroom and it's just a great piece.

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